I read Ego by Ayn Rand recently. Perhaps I've included this in other posts. But I'm a drunk and I forget things. Anyway ... The birth of self-consciousness through material invention is a capitalistic myth that I find highly offensive. The notion of self that emerges from the bubbling cauldron of childhood and congeals into the sickly self of adulthood is the product of one thing only: the desire to control one's environment. Power is the key; we all seek it. I don't want to sit in a sewer and "create" a light bulb: I want to hold sway over an empire of whimpering slaves who praise my name because they are afraid not to do so. The greatest accomplishment a person can achieve is to overcome this selfish desire and find love amidst one's fellows.
As St. Augustine remarked in Book 1 of the Confessions: “no one is free from sin in [God's] sight, not even an infant whose span of earthly life is but a single day”. Indeed, for we all seek power, from the day of our birth; whether it is refusing to share a toy, or desiring to possess a country -- we all feel this way. To learn to love, however, is a virtue, and not necessarily a Christian one -- for we all know that Christians are often the most intolerant of fools.
In my best moments, I want to extend my love even to the most deliberately debased beings; in my worst moments, I want to breed fear and discord -- and control it. It is a sad version of humanity that remains in the latter state for the span of life. I feel I'm losing my touch, for the very reason that I'm stuck in the former. It is time to reconnect with what matters: poetry, Music, the arts ... I don't want to become inhuman. I might die soon, and so be it ... But I want to die a Man.
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